#18: Again, For the First Time

The Marine
Age: 39
Height: 6’0
Met: At my favorite pub
Think Mark Harmon 15 years ago with broader shoulders


There are certain things in life that if you don’t do them for awhile, like take a bite of chocolate after giving it up for lent, or seeing “The Nutcracker” at Lincoln Center, that it feels like the first time all over again. The Marine, who you’ve heard about since the beginning, and I never truly had a first date. We met last spring. It was the day before a big opening and I had planned on going to bed early that night so I could get some beauty rest. Not only was there an opening the next night, but a date with a 70’s icon was to follow, also. But that afternoon my roommate called to see if I wanted to join her and a friend for dinner. I didn’t really but decided to go anyway. I went shopping for opening night accessories after work and waited to hear from my roomie. Around 7:00 I finally heard from her that dinner was cancelled as she wasn’t feeling well. I was superbly annoyed. I hadn’t even wanted to stay in the city but did for her. Not only was it the first Yankees v. Red Sox game of the season that night but also a Rangers playoff game!!!

It was too late to go home. I would miss the first few innings/period of the games if I got on a train now!!! So I took my shopping bags and tired self to my favorite pub and settled in amongst all the sports fans crowding the bar. It was a great night! Both teams won in dramatic fashion and I was thrilled to have been amongst new, rowdy friends to see it.

The place was starting to clear out as I finished my pint so I closed out my tab. I leaned across the bar to kiss my friend Rory good-bye and just as I was pulling on my jacket a group of about 20 good looking men in suits walked through the door. Rory and I shared a look and I said “looks like I’m gonna stay after all!”

Turns out they were Marines in town from D.C. for the pope’s visit. Most of them were married but I was having a great time with them. I kept hearing “You have to meet [The Marine]. Where’s [The Marine]?” I’m like, “fellas, you keep talkin’ about this guy, but where is he?!” And then suddenly, there he was. No bells and whistles. Quite the opposite. All of the noise in the massive bar disappeared into the night as we sat together for hours. I didn’t want that night to ever end. So many things happened in those first few hours that I can’t even tell you. Maybe later. But when he walked me to my train and kissed me for the first time I thought to myself, “This is it. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” And it was the end of life as I knew it.

Fast forward to later that year and after months of turbulence The Marine disappeared. The last time I saw him everything seemed perfect. I was going to come down to D.C. to see him in a couple of weeks and he was going to meet my sister for the first time at her birthday party. But nothing. He fell off the face of my earth and I was heartbroken. I met a man who made me want to get married after not believing in the institution for the whole of my life and he just vanished as if he’d never been there. On New Year’s Eve I was laying on my couch watching an old movie when I got an unexpected text from him. “You’re better off without me.” He was wrong and I was angry.

When The Ramone came into my life, the hurt caused by The Marine went away for the most part. But he didn’t go away. I thought about him all the time. Even when I was with The Ramone. Opening day was the one year anniversary of the day we met. As The Ramone and I sat at the McDonald’s across the street from the Stadium having breakfast I got a text saying “Happy Anniversary!” The Ramone’s response was “who the hell do you know is texting you at 8:30 in the morning?”

I heard from The Marine every so often. Just sort of touching base. Nothing big. A few weeks ago my father passed away. I hadn’t seen or spoken to the man in over 10 years and the loss was difficult in ways that I didn’t expect. Where I had told The Ramone everything about my troubled past, The Marine had no idea. He just knew that my father had died. My two best friends answered the call of duty as I expected. But where The Ramone unexpectedly dropped the ball, The Marine stepped up to the plate. He stepped up in a big way. In so big of a way that I didn’t want to be at home by myself. I wanted to be with him and to my surprise he agreed.

So as I mentioned last week I headed to D.C. First dates have become second nature to me. With this project I am finding that the nerves and anticipation that normally accompany a first date haven’t been showing up, until this night. I don’t recall the last time that I was so nervous. I hadn’t seen my Marine in almost a year and the idea of seeing him now both terrified me and excited me in ways I didn’t understand. There was a mirror on the wall in front of me and I saw the reflection of him stroll up behind me. I did my best not to leap into his arms, and think I pulled off a fairly steady hug. It felt so good to be in his arms in that moment, both because I just wanted someone to hold me after the worst week of my life and because I felt like I’d come home.

He’s a quiet man, The Marine. He doesn’t fill the air with thoughtless banter the way I do, but when he has something to say it is pertinent, poignant, and often really clever. The Yankees were on in this Arlington bar because they were playing in Baltimore and he got to see me watch my boys for the first time. He was extremely amused. He’s not actually a big baseball fan and I got to fill him in a little bit which was exciting for me.

We had one drink and then he suggested we “get out of here.” Once “out of here” he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else or… I suggested we just walk for a bit. As we walked he massaged my shoulders which were extremely tense. Under his hands I can turn to butter. When he asked about the funeral and my week I avoided it and said I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. We walked, fingers intertwined, for a bit and he said “you’ll get to see me next week, too.” He didn’t have to tell me that he was going to be up in New York but he wanted to see me again I guess.

We found ourselves in a plaza with a fountain and stopped. Standing toe to toe we laughed, and talked. For a while we stood, my arms around his neck, his around my waist, just relaxing there. Then he started doing one of the things I love most about him, exploring. It is hard for The Marine to just be with me and not explore me, and that is what it is, exploring. His hands wander my body. Brushing across my face and through my hair. His eyes often times will follow the trail of his hands, and will search my face for deeply intense moments. I don’t know what it is he is searching for. I pointed it out to him and let him in on the fact that it is one of my favorite things. “It may not be a good thing” was his reply. “No, I’m pretty sure it is.”

There, in the light of an almost full moon, perfectly framed between two identical residential towers and in front of a beautiful fountain he kissed me again, for the first time. It felt like the first time all over again. It turns out he had never really disappeared because I had never really let him go. Suddenly all of the sadness and anger and confusion of the last week of my life fell away. The past was simply that, and the future in that moment when he kissed me again was limitless. He takes my breath away, and that, though dangerous, may not be such a bad thing.

I have come down from the clouds a little bit and back into reality. I did that night, too, long enough to ask some questions and get some answers. He gave me his word that he won’t disappear on me again. And I want to believe him, but I am scared. He has broken my heart before and he has the power to do it again. It would appear that we are going to give “us” another try. I’m hesitant. Not because I don’t think he is incredible or because I don’t envision our lives together, I do. But I’m guarded this time. I don’t know if I can handle having my breath taken away for good, and that may happen if he disappoints me again.

So where are we now? I don’t know exactly. I am taking it slowly, seeing how things play out. He is coming to NYC with his squadron, as he told me, and I guess we will see what happens then. In the mean time, even though I would drop it all to be with him, I am going about the business of My Quest. The answers I seek are coming to me and each week I get closer and closer to filling in the gaps. The day after I met The Marine I called my mom and told her “I met the man I’m going to marry.” “But you don’t believe in marriage,” she reminded me. Maybe I just needed something to believe in. What if I was right?

Bonus Features:
*close to his family
*wants his own family
*makes me feel at home
*smells delicious
*has a magnetic body, or so I think since it’s hard for me to take my hands off whenever I’m near him
*the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
*extremely intelligent
*very dedicated to his work

As-Is Defaults:
*comes “as-is”
*has let me down before
*works even more ridiculous hours than I do