Two months ago I set out on this quest, much in the way Columbus did; with an idea of what I wanted to find or discover, but really sailing blind. A quarter of the way across the Atlantic and I have encountered a couple of storms, discovered a couple of new fish, and even lost a couple of sailors overboard. So where am I now?
First, I am having a great time! Even the dates that a year ago would have sent me to my journal in tears are making for great conversation. I actually think the horrible ones are more fun because I know my readers get a kick out of them. Dating is a miserable process! One of my favorite girlie quotes is from the first episode of “Sex & the City’s” third season. An exasperated Charlotte cries, almost to the gods, “I have been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted! Where is he!?!?” I have never agreed with that character more wholly. Putting yourself out there repeatedly, with the 50/50 possibility of being rejected, telling the same stories over and over again, often times with the same result is tiring. At times it can be disheartening. We wonder what it is we’re doing wrong. Am I too fat? Too thin? Too boring? Too dumb? Very seldom do we think “clearly he didn’t want to see me again because I am just too beautiful and intelligent.”
So why do we do it? For some it is a sport. For some it is to find a personal Santa Claus. Others may just want to be able to share a few laughs with a warm body. Some may want a couch mate for “The Daily Show”. And still others are looking for that one person who will complete them. I have been ready for the latter for a few years now and optimistically so. Every first date was a new possibility to feel that tingle the first time he touched me or the urge to excuse myself to the ladies room and text my friends of his perfection. The possibility to have the “last first kiss”. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s a big investment.
So what happens when you relieve that pressure? For me I have found that I can actually go out with a new person and share his company without worry. I’m able to be myself in a way that is more truly me than if I was trying to make a good impression, as most of us do in some way on a first date. If he says something offensive or tells me he has a 6th toe on his left foot it doesn’t affect the outcome of the rest of life. You know that feeling? When you go from hopeful to disappointed in a matter of three seconds. No offense to anyone with extra limbs. I am sure I would learn to love it.
I went out for a beer with a straight, male friend of mine a couple of weeks ago and we got to talking about my quest. He had some insightful questions to get me thinking about my desired outcomes. What can I do differently to make the journey smoother or more affective? He also, in defense of his fellow man, asked if I was taking advantage of these guys, in a way setting them up. I can see where some might see that he has a valid point. A wise friend of mine once told me “Each time we feel love it is real. It may not be truly for that person or at that time, but it helps us to explore the depths of our love.” I think of that often and I think it applies here.
With every man I love, I love the next even more. How can you not? If the new love is not greater than a previous, the new romance will always be living in a shadow of the past. Every time we have our heart broken or move away from one relationship we take it with us into the next. For most of us, we don’t settle for something less than what we know to be good. Though I don’t venture out on this quest with a broken heart, I hold with a still heart. One that knows a love and hopes it to be true but won’t deny a real possibility elsewhere.
As expected, I was in touch with the Hometown Hottie steadily for a few days. Unfortunately, in that time I realized that we are two very different people with two very different lives. So even though he made me re-evaluate things for a moment there won’t be a pursuit and it is for the best. I did hear from Bad Cop who claims to have shown up at 7:16 and waited for me for 20 minutes. He also tried to make me feel guilty, saying he’d turned down tickets to the Yanks v. Sox game to see me that night. But didn’t he say he had to work? Yah. I told him he could avoid a similar situation in the future by arriving on time!
Of the first 12, I think I had the truest connection with the Sterilized Brit on Date #1. Yes, he ended up being married, but he was the closest to my perfect match. There have been a couple of men I’ve met who have had something, or done something, that I think would be nice to find in The Ramone, but in the end he is still holding my heart. I also had a brief encounter with a past love. One who I believed then I could share my life with. I was young at the time and very unfortunate incidents lead to our departure. Sitting with him, breathing in a scent I suddenly remembered so vividly, lead me to believe that if given the opportunity I could fall in love with him all over again, in a whole new way. I don’t know how comfortable he is with my most recent project. I’ve found myself thinking about him and wishing he would get comfortable enough to see what might be there several years later.
Quick update on The Ramone: He is back in town after being gone for most of the summer. I have heard from him regularly but seeing each other hasn’t come up. He needs time, and I want him to take it. I would hate for us to push a good thing at a bad time and consequently ruin it all. If he recognizes that my birthday is coming up I will be thrilled. If he doesn’t remember? A part of me will be disappointed, but I won’t be surprised.
So here we go! Into the next round! I want to thank all of you for reading and lending me your support. Hearing from you makes it all worth while and gives me all the motivation I need to keep going. A toast! To the first 12!
Cheers,
(:L:)
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