So in seeking enlightenment and clarity I have found nothing but questions and uncertainty. Since my last reflection A LOT has happened. Most unexpectedly, of course, was the death of my father. I’ve often blamed my relationship woes on my parents, mainly my estranged father. Those of you who come from families tried by divorce will likely understand what I mean when I say it is hard to find the silver lining in an institution that you have only seen fail and which likely added much stress to your life, possibly at a vulnerable age. My parents first separated when I was 6, finally divorcing when I was 7, and my father completely disappearing not long after. I spent many a Sunday afternoon in our living room window waiting for him to show up and going to bed that night disappointed that he didn’t show up, again. Perhaps this is why it takes an awful lot to earn my trust. It is even more likely that this is why undependable men are so comfortable for me. It’s a feeling I got used to at a young age. Now that my father is gone do we think the issues will be put to rest? Probably not. I haven’t taken the time to truly grieve and to figure out exactly what affect his death will have on my life but someday when I do I am sure it will make a profound impact.
Almost as unexpected as my father’s death was the reappearance of The Marine. If you had told me 5 months ago that he would have a place in this whole debacle other than back story I would have called you crazy. I made a mistake here that I have to own up to. I saw The Ramone. I saw The Ramone a week after seeing The Marine for the first time. I spent the entire weekend on edge with excitement because The Marine was in town. Days went by and I didn’t see him. I didn’t even hear from him. When I finally did hear from him he said he was too busy working on a presentation to see me. I make him my first priority when he is in town. I sit around and wait on days off. I take time off from work, generally to wait without correspondence. So to then be told that he’d be spending the evening in his hotel room writing instead of seeing me… It didn’t make sense. And I started thinking about that eye opener of a book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Sure The Marine’s words were saying he cared and wanted us to be together, but his actions were saying the exact opposite. I was hurt and disappointed, having put myself out there for him again. So when I heard from The Ramone on that same night that yes, he would actually like to see me, I jumped at the chance.
I spent the night with The Ramone. And I spent most of the night thinking about The Marine, comparing the two men. Longing to be with the one I was missing. To compare them is impossible because each is the antithesis of the other. Where the continuous laughter brought on by The Ramone was once welcomed, I just wanted to sit peacefully in conversation for a moment without making a joke out of it. Where part of me has always admired The Ramone’s snub of style and expected presentation, I missed the clean, put together look of The Marine. I missed his silent strength. I missed his smell. I even missed his buzz cut. I seemed to be learning an invaluable lesson! I’m no longer in love with The Ramone? Could it be? If I hadn’t spent time with him I would have likely always wondered, wouldn’t I?
A couple of nights later he found out, The Marine, that is. Having been taken out for a good time by an old Irish friend of mine who gave me my first (and consequently second, third, forth, and fifth) drink since my father died, I was a raw, honest, emotional mess. At 4 in the morning I started calling The Marine. Much to my surprise he told me to come to his hotel, he didn’t want me going home alone. And there we sat, in the hallway of his hotel (they share rooms when in town) for two hours and I spilled my guts. I told him exactly how every time he stood me up or disappeared it broke my heart. I told him the hoops I had to go through to get in touch with him after we first met. I told him about my abusive childhood. And I told him about The Ramone. Not about our relationship, The Marine knew about that. But I told him what happened two nights before. I thought this was fantastic news for the two of us! Closure with another man! Always a good thing, right? Not so much for The Marine. Though he seemed to be understanding and forgiving that night, it apparently got to him more than he let on, and he disappeared. For all I knew at the time though he had just simply disappeared again, the same way he has so many times before. I promised myself that if that happened we were done. DONE! So after weeks of not hearing from him? I’ve decided that it is time to close that chapter. Sadly, it has no REAL closure and I will likely always wonder “what if?” What happened? I may never know.
So! The Ramone? Still in love with his ex-wife. He told me the night we shared was a fluke. Though I am wonderful he can only love me “half assed” and I deserve better than that. This is what he told me. And I’m no longer feeling the sense of desire I once had for him. Could we live a happy life together? Absolutely. But I’ve gone back to longing for The Marine. The Marine who has gone MIA once again. Maybe the remainder of this project will be as a distraction from the heartache I am feeling over this new loss. I didn’t know it was possible, but it hurts more the second time than it did the first. I feel more of a betrayal this time. Hopefully one of the next 28 will find a way to make my heart whole again.
As for the dates we were optimistic about; Dr. Drummer and Husker Red? I’ll give you one guess. If you guessed that I haven’t heard from either of them you would be exactly right. You can’t win ‘em all and it just goes to show that my female intuition is completely out of whack. Yanks Fan, G.I. Joe, and Tiger Vet all checked back in for a second date as they had promised, but I politely sent all three back out into the wild. Hopefully they, too, find what they are looking for.
I wasn’t really anticipating another round of heartache so soon. Least of all from My Quest. And certainly not at the hands of The Marine. As I said before, this journey is going to take me on uncharted waters and I should be prepared not only for wonderful surprises, but also for the worst. At this point I think hours of tears and emptiness are the worst I could have imagined. So let us hope that the rest of our journey is smooth sailing and filled with many shining stars to guide us onward.
Thank you again for your continued support. It will be needed to keep me going at this point.
Cheers,
(:L:)
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