The Three Month Curse

It should be known that three months is the usual max time on a relationship, not only for me, but also for my sister. It’s possible that I am just so warped by all of the men who have treated me badly in the past, or perhaps it is cold feet coming with the idea of actually moving in with someone, but I am starting to seriously question what it is I want in my life right now. I can’t seem to get rid of this nagging feeling that I have completely given up my identity, and this after only three months of being with Scott! What is going to happen after 3 years? I love Scott, I do, but what if “love just ain’t enough?”

Over the years I have loved many men and for the most part they never loved me in return. The ones who did love me weren’t on the same page as I was and I definitely loved them more. After the sad realization that I loved these men more than they loved me I would always dream about the day when I would find a man, that amazing man, who would love me as much as, if not more than, I love him. I finally have that and the security and warmth that comes from that blanket is unlike any I have ever known. If that is true, which it is, why does it feel like something is missing?

Last night I slept in my own bed for the first time in nearly two weeks. I can count the times I have slept in my own bed over the last 6 weeks on one hand. I’m a big girl and made the decision to stay with Scott, of course, but made that decision, over and over again, knowing that if I want to fall asleep next to him it will never be in my bed. This has upset me since we started dating. Not only does it take a lot more for a woman to stay away from home, but I also have a cat who I am continually abandoning. Why is it expected of me to give up my home and what I am comforted by all of the time if he isn’t willing to do it just once? My roommate is gone visiting his family for the holidays and I said over a month ago that I would be staying at my place during this time and I am sticking to my guns. Because of those guns I have spent the last several nights in a lonely bed.

I don’t know this from experience but I hear that when you are in a healthy relationship that there is always compromise, that you have to give up a part of yourself to let the other person in. That is all fine and dandy, but shouldn’t both partners be giving up something? If the give and take is a seesaw I may as well have a toddler on the other side because my ass has scarcely left the ground! Or maybe I just don’t see it because I am so wrapped up in the things that I have given up to see all that he has abandoned to be with me.

It all sounds horrible when I put it down on paper. And to be perfectly honest there is a lot I am leaving out but in this particular case don’t feel like I can be completely open with you. The rewards I reap from being with a man who loves me terribly are plentiful, and they are far better than crying myself to sleep at night because I’m lonely. There are nights I cry myself to sleep for other reasons now though. So what’s a girl to do when she is uncertain? When her head and her heart are both in flux and leaving her in a state of confusion and nausea? I guess for now I enjoy the silence of my lonely bed for a little bit while I try to figure things out.

Am I just a bachelorette who is uncomfortable being in a committed relationship? Do I simply have a case of cold feet that often accompanies something new and life changing? Or is something really not right about the whole thing? I always get antsy around the three month marker. Maybe it will all fall into its blissful place after the new year.